A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Goebbels

Today we are going to look at the Ten Commandments. These are a set of very special instructions from God sent to Moses approximately 3,600 years ago via the Angel of Jehovah. (Ex 20:1; 31:18; De 5:22; 9:10; Ac 7:38, 53; see also Ga 3:19; Heb 2:2.)

We know these Commandments are real because it was written in a very old book by bronze age tribesmen who had little scientific understanding of the world as we know it today. These Commandments must be obeyed or you will be condemned to eternal damnation and suffering in the fiery pits of hell after you die. This is because the Christian God is all powerful and so loving. He’s a reasonable guy.

1. Thou shalt have no other Gods before me.

The first one is easy, simply don’t “have” other Gods in front of God. Do it behind his back, so he doesn’t find out. Or alternatively, he and other Gods do not exist, so it is easy not to have them before him, after him in front of him or behind him.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the Earth.

The second is a bit more tricky, especially if one is an artist or sculptor. Basically it is saying don’t do art God does not like or he will get you and your children’s children. Jehovah’s mumbo jumbo is the only type that you can indulge in, so don’t be getting all spiritual about any other stuff, because he gets jealous.

Who ever made this statue is going to hell in a handcart to burn forever, even if it was a poor Indian peasant who knew nothing of the word of our Lord and was just trying to make a couple of extra rupees to feed his family.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord God in vain.

The third is just reiterating that he is a badass God who does not to like to have the piss taken out of him. So just don’t talk bad about the motherfucker and you will be fine.

Don’t take the Lord’s name in vein.

4. Remember the sabbath day to keep it holy.

The fourth is about doing fuck all on Sunday, unless you are Jewish, then it’s Friday, so just easy don’t do anything on God’s day off, apart from maybe listen to a bit of “Black Sabbath”.

5. Honour thy father and thy mother.

This fifth one is hard to do if you are a teenager or your parents are abusive or simply morons. Yeah whatever just as long as they let me play Xbox.

Gotta smite them all.

6. Thou shalt not kill.

Number six is easy unless you are in a holy war or the armed forces. Yeah let God do the killing he’s good at that shit.

Lot’s wife gets taken out by God, turning her into a pillar of salt, for looking back.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

The seventh is just don’t bang your mate’s missus or bloke, then again as adults do we need to be told this.

8. Thou shalt not steal.

The eighth is tricky if you work in the banking industry, but easy enough if you are not a selfish thief.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

The ninth is simply don’t grass people up to the old bill, fair play to God on that one, I agree.

10. You shall not covet your neighbour’s house; you shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbour’s.

The tenth and final one is about coveting your neighbour’s stuff. Now this is a bit of a problem if your neighbour has a nice ox, ass or donkey, flash car, big tv, servants, swimming pool or other cool stuff, just don’t want it or even think about wanting these things and you should be fine, yet if you find yourself coveting off, it could mean eternal hell, so be warned!

I hope his next door neighbour is a virtuous Christian. No coveting here, there’s nothing to see, move along ….