10 Commandments: how to avoid eternal damnation in hell.

A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Goebbels

Today we are going to look at the Ten Commandments. These are a set of very special instructions from God sent to Moses approximately 3,600 years ago via the Angel of Jehovah. (Ex 20:1; 31:18; De 5:22; 9:10; Ac 7:38, 53; see also Ga 3:19; Heb 2:2.)

We know these Commandments are real because it was written in a very old book by bronze age tribesmen who had little scientific understanding of the world as we know it today. These Commandments must be obeyed or you will be condemned to eternal damnation and suffering in the fiery pits of hell after you die. This is because the Christian God is all powerful and so loving. He’s a reasonable guy.

1. Thou shalt have no other Gods before me.

The first one is easy, simply don’t “have” other Gods in front of God. Do it behind his back, so he doesn’t find out. Or alternatively, he and other Gods do not exist, so it is easy not to have them before him, after him in front of him or behind him.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the Earth.

The second is a bit more tricky, especially if one is an artist or sculptor. Basically it is saying don’t do art God does not like or he will get you and your children’s children. Jehovah’s mumbo jumbo is the only type that you can indulge in, so don’t be getting all spiritual about any other stuff, because he gets jealous.

Statue of Shiva Natura Lod of Dance

Who ever made this statue is going to hell in a handcart to burn forever, even if it was a poor Indian peasant who knew nothing of the word of our Lord and was just trying to make a couple of extra rupees to feed his family.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord God in vain.

The third is just reiterating that he is a badass God who does not to like to have the piss taken out of him. So just don’t talk bad about the motherfucker and you will be fine.

3rd Commandment: Don't take the Lord's name in vein.

Don’t take the Lord’s name in vein.

4. Remember the sabbath day to keep it holy.

The fourth is about doing fuck all on Sunday, unless you are Jewish, then it’s Friday, so just easy don’t do anything on God’s day off, apart from maybe listen to a bit of “Black Sabbath”.

5. Honour thy father and thy mother.

This fifth one is hard to do if you are a teenager or your parents are abusive or simply morons. Yeah whatever just as long as they let me play Xbox.

Crucify Jesus: are you the fastest?

Gotta smite them all.

6. Thou shalt not kill.

Number six is easy unless you are in a holy war or the armed forces. Yeah let God do the killing he’s good at that shit.

Lot’s wife. Pausing to look back at the spectacle of God destroying entire cities, including her own residence and all her possessions, in a massive conflagration of fire and brimstone.

Lot’s wife gets taken out by God, turning her into a pillar of salt, for looking back.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

The seventh is just don’t bang your mate’s missus or bloke, then again as adults do we need to be told this.

8. Thou shalt not steal.

The eighth is tricky if you work in the banking industry, but easy enough if you are not a selfish thief.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

The ninth is simply don’t grass people up to the old bill, fair play to God on that one, I agree.

10. You shall not covet your neighbour’s house; you shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbour’s.

The tenth and final one is about coveting your neighbour’s stuff. Now this is a bit of a problem if your neighbour has a nice ox, ass or donkey, flash car, big tv, servants, swimming pool or other cool stuff, just don’t want it or even think about wanting these things and you should be fine, yet if you find yourself coveting off, it could mean eternal hell, so be warned!

10th commandment - do not covet your neighbour's  donkey and a Ferrrari

I hope his next door neighbour is a virtuous Christian. No coveting here, there’s nothing to see, move along ….

The Holy Ghost and the unforgivable sin.

A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Goebbels

We will discuss the Holy Ghost.

This is the most mystery and suspense filled bit of Christianity. No satisfactory explanation can be given as to what the Holy Ghost really is, but from my other research into ghosts, it is a scary disembodied spirit like a man in a white sheet going whoo whoo! It really puzzles me why all of these modern ghost hunters are not going nuts about the Holy Ghost. Surely their EPV recorders should be going through the roof, because this dude is everywhere.

What has the Holy Ghost got that Jesus and God don’t have? Can he do ghostly stuff like haunt and move objects around. Is the Holy Ghost a poltergeist or a headless horseman? Does the Holy Ghost say anything or is it just scary sounds like groaning and rattling chains? Does he leave a sticky ectoplasm mess on your bed? Is it going to be like in Scooby Doo when you pull the white sheet off the Holy Ghost in the abandoned warehouse and he turns out to be Jehovah or some other rascal pulling a prank?

Scooby Dooby Doo and the Holy Ghost Spirit

In the end it turned out to be the janitor and not the Holy Ghost, so Scooby and his gang still get to go to the Kingdom of Heaven.

Who you gonna call, if the Holy Ghost shows up? Holy Ghostbusters? If you have a friend who says he is being haunted by the spirit of the Holy Ghost, do not seek medical attention for him, just in case, as this is the one unforgivable sin, to deny the existence of the Holy Ghost. It’s a big no no, as far as God and Jesus are concerned. You might not believe in ghosts, but this one you have to, because if you so much as ever question his existence, on the grounds of no observable evidence, then it’s an eternity of Satan jabbing you up the bum with a pitchfork and being burned in the company of demonic monsters. Imagine the worst five minutes of your life, but worse, going on for eternity with the demons laughing and mocking you all the time while it happens, simply because you were dumb enough to deny the existence of the Holy Ghost.

Ghostbusters call in for the Holy Ghost Spirit

Ghostbusters risking eternal damnation. How sure were they it wasn’t the Holy Ghost they were zapping?

Do not confuse the Holy Ghost with other paranormal activity, which is either complete nonsense or the work of the devil, this Holy Ghost stuff is the real shit. You just cannot deny it!

It’s important to know about the Holy Ghost, or the Holy Spirit, as he’s sometimes known as, because it’s impossible to follow God unless we are led by the Spirit. God contrasts being filled with the Spirit with being drunk. Somebody who is drunk with alcohol is controlled by and consumed by alcohol, whereas somebody who is “drunk in the Spirit” is controlled and consumed by the Spirit, who helps us live holy lives. Basically, to be good Christian, you must be possessed by an invisible ghost and if you so much as think for a second that this story might possibly not be 100% true, then it’s off to the sulphurous caverns of Satan for you, with no leave to appeal.

 

 

The erection of Christ our saviour.

A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Goebbels

First of all God made it all cushy, he had a load of angel pals to hang out with and everything was perfect. Then his favourite, Lucifer, wouldn’t do the washing up and make him a cup of tea, so God kicks him out of heaven, turns him into a red horned devil with a tail, creates his own set of demonic friends and creates hell for them to live in to devote all of eternity to tempt mankind, which had not yet been created.

Creation

God’s plot is pretty twisted. He made Adam whose right hand just wasn’t doing it for him, so he took a rib to make Eve, but that old Lucifer hasn’t gone away and comes back in the form of a talking snake. He tells Eve to give Adam an apple from a tree that God said they shouldn’t have for reasons unknown, and then just because of that they are thrown out of Eden, you keeping up, it really does make perfect sense.

OK God is a little bit irrational, temperamental and has a series of bizarre punishments for people who don’t do what they are told, which is why he created man in his own image and gave him free will. Still makes sense right.

God shows his love to Abraham by telling him to ritually sacrifice his son, only to do a Jeremy Beadle on him at the last minute, as Abraham was about to kill his son Isaac with a knife on Mount Moria, God steps in and says “only joking, but thanks anyway for being up for killing your son, however you only have to sacrifice a sheep instead, because I’m so loving.”

A little bit of a mean prank to pull, but you’ve gotta have faith.

God and Abraham.

God tells Abraham to kill his son Isaac and then changes his mind at the last minute and asks him to kill a sheep instead.

Next we move to the story of Noah

Our all knowing and loving God must have been having a bad day and decides to kill everything on the planet with a flood, apart from Noah who lived to be 950 years old (almost as old as Dr Who) and two of everything on the planet, excluding birds and sea creatures, who for some reason God didn’t have a problem with. He floods the Earth for 40 days and 40 nights, killing almost everything apart from Noah, who he tipped off, enabling him to build a huge beastiality boat containing two of each species of land animal, including Australian marsupials, 350,000 species of beetles, tigers, llamas, cats, dogs, snakes, mice, giraffes, zebras, lions, flightless birds such as penguins, etc., were all saved and fed for ten months, providing adequate sanitary for all the species, as there must have been a lot of poop on that boat. The Earth was saved apart from all the hereditary genetic conditions that resulted from all the inbreeding and incest. He also invented rainbows, because he was a bit sorry about what he’d done. The rainbow is a sign provided by God to attest to the covenant between God and Noah (and hence all of humanity) that God will never again destroy the world by way of a flood.

The rainbow is aimed away from the earth to show God’s mercy and to show us he’s not a complete psychopath. It appears today to remind humanity of their failure to keep the obligations that Noah entered into on behalf of all mankind. The seven colours of the rainbow represent the seven Laws given to Noah as his part of the Covenant.

Noah's arc

Noah saves humanity and all land animals by building a big boat after God decides to drown all land living creatures on the planet.

It is not quite clear how all the animals that God killed in his flood had been sinning, but God works in mysterious ways, we’re sure he must have had a good reason.

Finally, we finish this sermon where we started, with Jesus our Lord himself.

Mary gets up the duff and finds this total muggins called Joseph who believed her story that an angel came to see her and God impregnated her with his son, who they called Jesus. He sent Jesus to die for our sins, as he obviously wasn’t satisfied enough with flooding the world. He has magic powers, although nothing much remarkable happens until he’s in his early 30s when he starts doing a few Paul Daniels tricks. They killed him using a barbaric torture device, the cross, what a nice symbol to remind us of the love of God. He obviously must have done something, I find it hard to believe that Jesus our saviour hadn’t done something to upset God or why did he do his usual trick of dishing out a cruel and unusual punishment.

Jesus’ last words were “God, you’re the worst Dad ever.”

If this Jesus does arise again, maybe with the help of some viagra, I think he should be killed in exactly the same way, because he obviously gets off on it. This time jab him up the bum with a spear, rather than putting it in the side.

Christ on a cross.

Nailed it: Jesus died for YOUR sins.

Let us pray

Christ hasn’t come back yet, because he can’t get an erection.
The Christians find the crucified tortured image of Christ in his nappy sexually arousing, all submissive, bound and ready for action. The image of torture makes them think of love, how sweet.

Judas Stole My Lunch Box

A prayer by the Reverend Batty von Geobbels

Judas stole my lunch box
Jesus stole my sandal designs
John the Baptist drowned my daughter
The Messiah wilted my fruit tree
Jesus made the person I had struck blind see again
Dog live, evil God
Christ has cum
Up my bum
Jesus had balsa wood sandals
Jesus made fish soup with croutons
Jesus advocated alcoholics, by fermenting water into wine
Jesus thought his own people the Jews were a bit tight-fisted and money grabbing
And Jesus had it off with dirty whores!

Dinosaur lunchbox, the Earth is only 6,000 years old.

Satan tampered with dinosaur bones in the Earth to try to fool us that it is 4.5 billion years old and not 6,000 years old.

The voices of God in your head.

A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Goebbels

So to believe in our Lord you must first hear the voices in your head. At least three, the son, the father and the holy ghost, but probably also the voice of Satan trying to get you to do bad stuff. There are also hosts of angels and hordes of demons so it could get quite crowded in your head.

To ascertain exactly whom it is communicating with you, it must be determined what they are saying. For example if you hear “go wank yourself off then kill your granny” it is safe to assume it is probably the devil or demons so ignore stuff like that, but it could be a test like with Abraham and Isaac, so you could try to kill your granny and then just kill your cat or dog instead.

God and Jesus say things more like “Stop wanking off it’s wrong, just love me”.  The god Jehovah can be pretty jealous, he will let you knock about with his son, but that’s about it so be careful not to love stuff more than him. If you go on holiday don’t be bringing back any little statues of other Gods, because you know what it says about false idols in the Ten Commandments. To develop a relationship with Jesus you must let him inside you like a very special friend. Let him touch you in an intimate way, you can share your secrets with him because he is the only one.

Masterbation prevention kit

If you really want to please Jesus then you might want to get one of these.

If you have the urge to touch yourself in a naughty way, you must immediately think of Jesus so that you at least have him inside you while you self-abuse.

If you do hear voices in your head telling you to kill your loved ones, don’t assume that it’s a test and you must kill a ram instead. Take your kids up to the top of a local hill or mountain to ritually sacrifice them for God, don’t worry, he’ll let you know right at the last minute that it’s a test to show your loyalty to him, since he is all loving, all knowing and all powerful, therefore needs a bit of a confidence boost every now and then.

If you do proceed with the ritual sacrifice of your child, bear in mind, it might not have been God, it might have been Satan, so please be absolutely sure before you get the knife out and slit your offspring’s throat.

Medieval demons

Don’t listen to the demons in your head, only the word of Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost or God or angels, but not demons.

Jesus who speaks the word of God channelling the Holy Ghost touches millions of people every day.

Another possibility for those of you who hear voices in their head telling you to do stuff is you are mentally ill, in which case you should seek urgent medical attention. There are some excellent pharmaceutical drugs that doctors can prescribe which will make the voices go away. In extreme cases, you might have to be sectioned.

One of my followers was recently admitted to Kidderminster Hospital psychiatric ward for knocking on strangers’ doors and telling them about his invisible friend that wants to save them.

Jesus came in my Wellington boots.

A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Goebbels

How dare the decedents of Plymouth brethren, active in the decimation and genocide of Native Americans mention spirituality. The Indians were in a state of pure paradise before the evil Christian puritans polluted the sacred land with dogmatic religion. The teachings of repressed child molesters play no part in a humane society; prayer, often confused with telepathy with plants, mammals, fishes, reptiles, aliens and mother Earth, must not be confused with the insane scribblings of some religious prick.

Must we put up with this nonsense? You know your so-called God is a Semitic work of fiction who doesn’t really exist; all the hatred, killing, maiming, raping and vengeance in the Bible of the false prophet is irrelevant to me!

Jesus came in my Wellington boots.

It made a sticky mess everywhere.

The perseverance of the Christian religion to indoctrinate the masses has only served to cause hatred and confusion throughout the world’s population.

The perpetrators of this evil doctrine have committed genocide against countless populations of the planet, and therefore losing all credibility of any spiritual culture. Creating an aura of fear around any free thinking people exterminating any sources of wisdom!

Let us pray

Jesus did bum
Abraham
Just like God, his Dad, told him to.

Jesus Christ

Jesus our Lord who died for us all.

Christian missionaries have raped and pillaged their way around the world for quite long enough, professing their own sick confused view of humanity; inflicting countless misery upon billions of blameless humans in their wrong self-righteous belief in the evil bible, advocating killing of innocent women and children (though God says don’t kill the virgins, as they should be saved for raping at a later date) and a load of baloney that shouldn’t be taught, or even mentioned to anyone.

Let us pray

John the Baptist gave head
He drank the cum of the serpent
He drowned my daughter in the bath
do you think he was having a laugh?
Noah fucked all the farm yard animals
He only had time to do a few
Thank god Christians can’t interbreed
Or we’d have goats preaching that crap too!
Die in the flood!!! What a shame it didn’t really happen and it’s a fallacy and myth!
None of this bullshit, actually exists.
But we DO!

Jesus and BDSM

Jesus was into S&M. Christians are still into this fucking depraved madness.

They like to torture, Jesus was gay anyway, who took it up the bum or any way it was given to him, as he was a dirty Jewish whore who craved persecution.

The confused masses of the day still seek punishment for their sins. Mathew, Mark, Luke and John were gay sadists who seek to punish their weak followers through religious guilt and fear.

Christianity is painful to any decent soul upon the blessed Earth; those who perpetrated the inquisition and burned us when we were high priests in previous lives, offend everything that is pure, beautiful and innocent (hide away all the choirboys from the dirty catholic priests).