In today’s sermon I want to talk about God’s holy seed, but this time not the one he secretly sneaked up Mary’s muff, no I’m talking about Mary Jane, da holy herb, cannabis, weed, pot, ganja.

Cannabis, as it clearly states in the Bible was given by God for our use. Although, I must note this reference does also include all the seeds bearing poisonous plants too, such as hemlock, datura, belladonna, etc., Quite how God imagines we might use those I don’t know, but anyway not the point, please remember how fickle God can be.

Then God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree which has fruit yielding seed; it shall be food for you.”
Genesis 1:29

God says in the bible that cannabis usage is ok.

For example, look at our Lord and saviour, Jesus, obviously a hippy stoner swooning around the Sea of Galilee with long hair a beard and wearing sandals and surfing, without even a board! He preaches peace and love, offers alternative hands on healing free of Big Pharma and then gets hassled by the men in government.

“Anyone who blasphemes or curses shall be stoned” –  Leviticus 24:16.

It says in the Bible people must get “stoned” for dissing God, let’s interpret this as “get high on cannabis” rather than “be cruelly executed by an angry mob throwing rocks”. Because being Christians means we can interpret the holy book however we fucking want. I interpret ‘shall be stoned’ as getting high, so fuck God, the Holy Ghost and Jesus, I’m going to spark up a big fat doobie now.

The original sacrament was probably not just wine, quite likely a whole host of psychotropic substances, hence the incredulous nature of some of the biblical myths. It is documented that Jesus healed using cannabis. If someone today said similar stuff as found written in the Bible whilst tripping on LSD and you were stupid enough to write it down and follow as a religion, it might get somewhat confusing.

For example “And then the yellow lampshade melted into a spider and spoke thus. “You must cover yourself in green face paint and stare into the corner of the room mumbling for the entire next day”. Advice to the blind, you might as well try LSD because it it will make you see cool stuff and you will know damn well it was the acid. If you are deaf even if you do see weird stuff then at least you won’t have to listen to some other tripper saying stuff that does your fucking head in and sends you on a bad trip.

Cannabis was readily available in the in the Middle East during biblical times. The first historical usage appears in Vedic culture 7,000 years ago and is still used in India to this day by Sadhus who smoke it in chillums. Ancient Judaism has a historical sacramental use, as cannabis plants were found in the funeral possessions inside King Solomon’s tomb.

Rastafarianism an offshoot of Ethiopian Coptic Christianity also uses “Ganja” as a ceremonial herb. Nowhere in the bible does it forbid anyone for any reason from getting high. So it’s evidently fine, crack on with your cannabis consumption, knowing God has given you full permission to do it. For fuck’s sake it’s one of the few things that you are not going to hell for so you might as well enjoy the herb given to you by God. By the way it also doesn’t say don’t take heroin or crack cocaine in the Bible, so you maybe don’t always trust God (or Steps2Recovery) since he can be a right cunt at times.

Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, approves of getting high on weed.