COVID-19 Sermon

Well, true “believers” it’s definitely the end times with COVID-19 and it’s all our fault because everyone has been sinning like fuck.

Let’s face it, how could we obey the impossible to follow 10 commandments? Nearly everyone has broken at least one, because you can break a Commandment by just thinking so we’ve all blown it. Even the do-goody two-shoes ones like me.

With the exception of the virtuous Holy Virgin, Ann Widdecombe, none of us can claim to have never to have broken a Commandment (or her hymen).

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have arrived; war, famine, plague and death plus the not quite so important donkeyman of the Apocalypse, Christian Hero, Nigel Farage, who brings annoyance to the whole end of days thing.

If you think “the Rapture” is coming on then you must get ready for ascension. You might be feverishly talking in tongues or maybe even coughing a bit? This is how the Rapture begins. You must quickly take off all your clothes then go and stand outside ready to be lifted up by the Lord.

Prayers can definitely save you, most definitely they can, although obviously some prayers are more yuge and bigly than others. For example, the thoughts and prayers of Donald Trump will be much more effective than any thoughts or prayers from the commie terrorist Britain-hating antisemitic bastard, Jeremy Corbyn (although he might have a point about the Jews because they did kill Jesus, just saying).

COVID-19, science, and God

When science does find a cure and/ or a vaccine for COVID-19 then silly scientists will be trying to take the credit. This is, of course, wrong, scientists will only find a cure because Christians have prayed for them to discover one.

The only reason no cure or vaccine has been found yet is that the Christian prayers are being cancelled out by prayers from Muslim heretics praying to the same Abrahamic war God.

American Christian pastors are showing the way by defying the lockdown by packing their congregations into small confined spaces, singing and shouting. Yes, this has led to a number of deaths of Christians due to the fact COVID-19 is most contagious in enclosed spaces with a large crowd. So what? They’re going to Heaven to spend eternity with Jesus anyway. I’m a bit jealous of them in that they are already having a great time in paradise with our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ.

Meanwhile, it is quite right that some poor sod who doesn’t go to Church is being moved on by our hero Police Community Support Officers from a bench by a river in the middle of nowhere. If they find that annoying, it’s nothing compared to the hellfire and brimstone they face for all of eternity because they did not go to Church.

Army of Jesus

God is saving those who deserve to be saved through the noble and righteous Christian, President Trump.

Jesus is getting his Army ready to do battle with that naughty Satan and he could not have chosen better generals than St Trump and St Johnson (well they will be made Saints when God finds out how much good they have been doing). These two heavenly blonde angelic twins have shown so much virtue, competence and truthfulness. A scrap with the devil and his ragtag mob of Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Sikhs, Pagans, Atheists, Jews and of course Christian sects who got it wrong should be no problem at all for them.

God being omnipresent obviously reads the Daily Mail and watches Fox News so he will be all too aware of the brave sacrifices made by Donald Trump and Boris Johnson. That’s why he answered everyone’s prayer to ensure Boris Johnson was given priority hospital treatment and to be extra safe, an Intensive Care bed he didn’t need for good measure.

Thoughts and prayers

God cannot answer everyone’s prayers, which is why some people have died at home, after being refused hospital treatment. He’s gotta prioritise, in any case, if you’re a good Christian and you die in agony on your own at home then don’t worry, St Peter will greet you at the Pearly Gates for an eternity in paradise.

For those going to hell, COVID-19 will be a breeze compared to the punishment of eternal banishment of your soul in the fiery pits of hell by our all-loving and powerful God.

Unfortunately, those thinking of absolving your sins so you can get into Heaven, just in case you die of COVID-19, you’re probably out of luck. Asking a priest for absolvement is the standard go-to ‘get out of jail’ card for infidels, but that will not work with this plague sent by God, as most of the Churches have been closed … hahaha! If you are an atheist living in Europe, you’re royally fucked, unless you live in Sweden, where there are no lockdown rules. God obviously loves Swedes and they don’t socialise anyway, so nobody would notice in Sweden if you imposed social distancing measures.

Let us Pray for those of us who deserve not to get the Coronavirus …

A prayer for COVID-19

Oh God you have punished us
with a horrible apocalyptic virus

May it get other people and not me
if it’s a cure, I would drink my wee

Inject disinfect because Trump said
Herd immunity with Boris in bed

If I do get ill, it’ll be that Satan jerk
and not because Prayers don’t work

Let’s gather in rooms to hug and pray
God will keep COVID-19 away

Amen “cough”