A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Goebbels

First of all God made it all cushy, he had a load of angel pals to hang out with and everything was perfect. Then his favourite, Lucifer, wouldn’t do the washing up and make him a cup of tea, so God kicks him out of heaven, turns him into a red horned devil with a tail, creates his own set of demonic friends and creates hell for them to live in to devote all of eternity to tempt mankind, which had not yet been created.

Creation

God’s plot is pretty twisted. He made Adam whose right hand just wasn’t doing it for him, so he took a rib to make Eve, but that old Lucifer hasn’t gone away and comes back in the form of a talking snake. He tells Eve to give Adam an apple from a tree that God said they shouldn’t have for reasons unknown, and then just because of that they are thrown out of Eden, you keeping up, it really does make perfect sense.

OK God is a little bit irrational, temperamental and has a series of bizarre punishments for people who don’t do what they are told, which is why he created man in his own image and gave him free will. Still makes sense right.

God shows his love to Abraham by telling him to ritually sacrifice his son, only to do a Jeremy Beadle on him at the last minute, as Abraham was about to kill his son Isaac with a knife on Mount Moria, God steps in and says “only joking, but thanks anyway for being up for killing your son, however you only have to sacrifice a sheep instead, because I’m so loving.”

A little bit of a mean prank to pull, but you’ve gotta have faith.

God tells Abraham to kill his son Isaac and then changes his mind at the last minute and asks him to kill a sheep instead.

Next we move to the story of Noah

Our all knowing and loving God must have been having a bad day and decides to kill everything on the planet with a flood, apart from Noah who lived to be 950 years old (almost as old as Dr Who) and two of everything on the planet, excluding birds and sea creatures, who for some reason God didn’t have a problem with. He floods the Earth for 40 days and 40 nights, killing almost everything apart from Noah, who he tipped off, enabling him to build a huge beastiality boat containing two of each species of land animal, including Australian marsupials, 350,000 species of beetles, tigers, llamas, cats, dogs, snakes, mice, giraffes, zebras, lions, flightless birds such as penguins, etc., were all saved and fed for ten months, providing adequate sanitary for all the species, as there must have been a lot of poop on that boat. The Earth was saved apart from all the hereditary genetic conditions that resulted from all the inbreeding and incest. He also invented rainbows, because he was a bit sorry about what he’d done. The rainbow is a sign provided by God to attest to the covenant between God and Noah (and hence all of humanity) that God will never again destroy the world by way of a flood.

The rainbow is aimed away from the earth to show God’s mercy and to show us he’s not a complete psychopath. It appears today to remind humanity of their failure to keep the obligations that Noah entered into on behalf of all mankind. The seven colours of the rainbow represent the seven Laws given to Noah as his part of the Covenant.

Noah saves humanity and all land animals by building a big boat after God decides to drown all land living creatures on the planet.

It is not quite clear how all the animals that God killed in his flood had been sinning, but God works in mysterious ways, we’re sure he must have had a good reason.

Finally, we finish this sermon where we started, with Jesus our Lord himself.

Mary gets up the duff and finds this total muggins called Joseph who believed her story that an angel came to see her and God impregnated her with his son, who they called Jesus. He sent Jesus to die for our sins, as he obviously wasn’t satisfied enough with flooding the world. He has magic powers, although nothing much remarkable happens until he’s in his early 30s when he starts doing a few Paul Daniels tricks. They killed him using a barbaric torture device, the cross, what a nice symbol to remind us of the love of God. He obviously must have done something, I find it hard to believe that Jesus our saviour hadn’t done something to upset God or why did he do his usual trick of dishing out a cruel and unusual punishment.

Jesus’ last words were “God, you’re the worst Dad ever.”

If this Jesus does arise again, maybe with the help of some viagra, I think he should be killed in exactly the same way, because he obviously gets off on it. This time jab him up the bum with a spear, rather than putting it in the side.

Nailed it: Jesus died for YOUR sins.

Let us pray

Christ hasn’t come back yet, because he can’t get an erection.
The Christians find the crucified tortured image of Christ in his nappy sexually arousing, all submissive, bound and ready for action. The image of torture makes them think of love, how sweet.