Adam and original sin

A sermon by the Reverend B. von Geobells

I have just had the most amazing revelation from God. He has revealed his inner thoughts to me through the teaching of the bible. It has come to my attention that the original sin with which we all suffer and Jesus was sent to save us from is all because of Adam.

Even Lucifer is just dishing out the punishments, it’s not his fault we are all sinners. This is Adam’s cock up here. There was one simple rule “don’t eat of the tree of wisdom” (apple tree) and he had to fuck it up. Not saying that Eve wasn’t a bitch for tempting him, but it was his fuck up. Maybe even Lucifer, as a talking snake was merely seeing if God would dish out some wacky punishment on someone else as well.

Adam & Eve cockney rhyming slang.

Would you Adam and Eve it?

Because God loves us all he also sent his only son to be tortured to death on Earth, because this makes it all better. It’s like God is a judge in a court with a criminal before him and when the sentence of execution is read out he says “No don’t execute the guilty man, kill my innocent son instead so I can show you all how fair and loving I am”. A bit unfair on Abraham again that God is allowed to kill his son, but Abraham not. Stinks of double standards but that’s God.

God did actually say, ‘You must not eat the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden. Do not even touch it. If you do, you will die.” . This turned out to be a bit of an exaggeration, since they both ate a bit of apple and did not die. Adam genuinely shits himself “Lord God called out to the man. Where are you?” he asked. “I heard you in the garden,” the man answered. “I was afraid, because I was naked. So I hid.”  : Genesis 3:9.

So it is Adam that we should hate for condemning us to original sin and not Lucifer, since he was already in the shit with God for not serving. It’s that bellend Adam’s fault the world was flooded and then poor old Jesus had to come back to be tortured to death in order to save us. Even If you are an Aborigine in the middle of the outback who has not even heard the word of God you go to hell by default, because of Adam’s sin. What a cunt!

 

The erection of Christ our saviour.

A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Goebbels

First of all God made it all cushy, he had a load of angel pals to hang out with and everything was perfect. Then his favourite, Lucifer, wouldn’t do the washing up and make him a cup of tea, so God kicks him out of heaven, turns him into a red horned devil with a tail, creates his own set of demonic friends and creates hell for them to live in to devote all of eternity to tempt mankind, which had not yet been created.

Creation

God’s plot is pretty twisted. He made Adam whose right hand just wasn’t doing it for him, so he took a rib to make Eve, but that old Lucifer hasn’t gone away and comes back in the form of a talking snake. He tells Eve to give Adam an apple from a tree that God said they shouldn’t have for reasons unknown, and then just because of that they are thrown out of Eden, you keeping up, it really does make perfect sense.

OK God is a little bit irrational, temperamental and has a series of bizarre punishments for people who don’t do what they are told, which is why he created man in his own image and gave him free will. Still makes sense right.

God shows his love to Abraham by telling him to ritually sacrifice his son, only to do a Jeremy Beadle on him at the last minute, as Abraham was about to kill his son Isaac with a knife on Mount Moria, God steps in and says “only joking, but thanks anyway for being up for killing your son, however you only have to sacrifice a sheep instead, because I’m so loving.”

A little bit of a mean prank to pull, but you’ve gotta have faith.

God and Abraham.

God tells Abraham to kill his son Isaac and then changes his mind at the last minute and asks him to kill a sheep instead.

Next we move to the story of Noah

Our all knowing and loving God must have been having a bad day and decides to kill everything on the planet with a flood, apart from Noah who lived to be 950 years old (almost as old as Dr Who) and two of everything on the planet, excluding birds and sea creatures, who for some reason God didn’t have a problem with. He floods the Earth for 40 days and 40 nights, killing almost everything apart from Noah, who he tipped off, enabling him to build a huge beastiality boat containing two of each species of land animal, including Australian marsupials, 350,000 species of beetles, tigers, llamas, cats, dogs, snakes, mice, giraffes, zebras, lions, flightless birds such as penguins, etc., were all saved and fed for ten months, providing adequate sanitary for all the species, as there must have been a lot of poop on that boat. The Earth was saved apart from all the hereditary genetic conditions that resulted from all the inbreeding and incest. He also invented rainbows, because he was a bit sorry about what he’d done. The rainbow is a sign provided by God to attest to the covenant between God and Noah (and hence all of humanity) that God will never again destroy the world by way of a flood.

The rainbow is aimed away from the earth to show God’s mercy and to show us he’s not a complete psychopath. It appears today to remind humanity of their failure to keep the obligations that Noah entered into on behalf of all mankind. The seven colours of the rainbow represent the seven Laws given to Noah as his part of the Covenant.

Noah's arc

Noah saves humanity and all land animals by building a big boat after God decides to drown all land living creatures on the planet.

It is not quite clear how all the animals that God killed in his flood had been sinning, but God works in mysterious ways, we’re sure he must have had a good reason.

Finally, we finish this sermon where we started, with Jesus our Lord himself.

Mary gets up the duff and finds this total muggins called Joseph who believed her story that an angel came to see her and God impregnated her with his son, who they called Jesus. He sent Jesus to die for our sins, as he obviously wasn’t satisfied enough with flooding the world. He has magic powers, although nothing much remarkable happens until he’s in his early 30s when he starts doing a few Paul Daniels tricks. They killed him using a barbaric torture device, the cross, what a nice symbol to remind us of the love of God. He obviously must have done something, I find it hard to believe that Jesus our saviour hadn’t done something to upset God or why did he do his usual trick of dishing out a cruel and unusual punishment.

Jesus’ last words were “God, you’re the worst Dad ever.”

If this Jesus does arise again, maybe with the help of some viagra, I think he should be killed in exactly the same way, because he obviously gets off on it. This time jab him up the bum with a spear, rather than putting it in the side.

Christ on a cross.

Nailed it: Jesus died for YOUR sins.

Let us pray

Christ hasn’t come back yet, because he can’t get an erection.
The Christians find the crucified tortured image of Christ in his nappy sexually arousing, all submissive, bound and ready for action. The image of torture makes them think of love, how sweet.

The voices of God in your head.

A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Goebbels

So to believe in our Lord you must first hear the voices in your head. At least three, the son, the father and the holy ghost, but probably also the voice of Satan trying to get you to do bad stuff. There are also hosts of angels and hordes of demons so it could get quite crowded in your head.

To ascertain exactly whom it is communicating with you, it must be determined what they are saying. For example if you hear “go wank yourself off then kill your granny” it is safe to assume it is probably the devil or demons so ignore stuff like that, but it could be a test like with Abraham and Isaac, so you could try to kill your granny and then just kill your cat or dog instead.

God and Jesus say things more like “Stop wanking off it’s wrong, just love me”.  The god Jehovah can be pretty jealous, he will let you knock about with his son, but that’s about it so be careful not to love stuff more than him. If you go on holiday don’t be bringing back any little statues of other Gods, because you know what it says about false idols in the Ten Commandments. To develop a relationship with Jesus you must let him inside you like a very special friend. Let him touch you in an intimate way, you can share your secrets with him because he is the only one.

Masterbation prevention kit

If you really want to please Jesus then you might want to get one of these.

If you have the urge to touch yourself in a naughty way, you must immediately think of Jesus so that you at least have him inside you while you self-abuse.

If you do hear voices in your head telling you to kill your loved ones, don’t assume that it’s a test and you must kill a ram instead. Take your kids up to the top of a local hill or mountain to ritually sacrifice them for God, don’t worry, he’ll let you know right at the last minute that it’s a test to show your loyalty to him, since he is all loving, all knowing and all powerful, therefore needs a bit of a confidence boost every now and then.

If you do proceed with the ritual sacrifice of your child, bear in mind, it might not have been God, it might have been Satan, so please be absolutely sure before you get the knife out and slit your offspring’s throat.

Medieval demons

Don’t listen to the demons in your head, only the word of Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost or God or angels, but not demons.

Jesus who speaks the word of God channelling the Holy Ghost touches millions of people every day.

Another possibility for those of you who hear voices in their head telling you to do stuff is you are mentally ill, in which case you should seek urgent medical attention. There are some excellent pharmaceutical drugs that doctors can prescribe which will make the voices go away. In extreme cases, you might have to be sectioned.

One of my followers was recently admitted to Kidderminster Hospital psychiatric ward for knocking on strangers’ doors and telling them about his invisible friend that wants to save them.