Religious garments from a Christian perspective

A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Geobells

There has been much speculation in the media recently about the former British Foreign Secretary’s comments relating to Islamic clothing. 

Boris Johnson recently sparked outrage for suggesting Muslim women who wear headscarves resembled “bank robbers” and “letter boxes”.

So I thought I would write a sermon from a Christian perspective as to what is acceptable and not acceptable to wear.

Buckfast Tonic Wine

Buckfast Tonic Wine also known as ‘wreck the hoose juice‘ made in Buckfast Abbey in Devon.

It is the case, on the surface of it, a lot of religious garb may seem strange or even silly to the downright preposterous. To the untrained eye, a monk who wears a robe and shaves a deliberate bald patch on their head might look absolutely absurd. However, this is how God wants them to appear, for example, when they are making their super-strong Buckfast Abbey Tonic Wine in their monastery in Devon, to sell to the tramps and downtrodden in Scotland who appreciate its fine taste and heroin-like buzz.

A virtuous Christian nun must cover her body and hair to prevent men from having naughty thoughts of a sexual nature enter their heads and of course everyone should wear a symbolic depiction of a Roman crucifix that was used to torture people with a slow and agonising death.

These dress codes are put in place for our own good. They are part of our cultural and religious heritage and must be respected. It is not for us to question God on what we wear.

But what about those who follow a different religion? Since obviously, there is only one true religion, which is Christianity. We know all heretics and followers of other religions will surely be sent to burn in hell forever by the same loving Abrahamic God some of them also worship.

Those who wear a hijab, niqab, or burqa, of course, look ridiculous, as you might expect from a religion that has crazy stuff in it like flying horses and claims virgins (and plenteous shade) await those who enter paradise.

Postman Pat as Boris Johnson with a letterbox niqab.

Postman Boris empties the letters from a niqab letterbox.

Other fake religions, such as Hare Krishna, Sikhism, Buddhism, etc., which sometimes require their followers to dress up in daft-looking attire can also expect no mercy from God.

Some Jewish people look a bit strange too, but that’s different, as although strictly speaking they are not true Christians and reject our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, as the Messiah, not to mention getting him killed, they are God’s chosen people, so it’s ok for them to dress up in ludicrous fancy dress.

The bizarre fashion of sagging one’s pants was born of a prison mode for signalling sexual availability, but as long as you are wearing a crucifix or have crucifix underwear then God will still save your soul, since bum sex isn’t prohibited in the bible. 

Chav wearing religious sagging pants.

The chav on the left can expect a place in Kingdom of Heaven whereas the poor sod on the right can expect to go to hell on handcart.

Cannabis and the Bible

In today’s sermon I want to talk about God’s holy seed, but this time not the one he secretly sneaked up Mary’s muff, no I’m talking about Mary Jane, da holy herb, cannabis, weed, pot, ganja.

Cannabis, as it clearly states in the Bible was given by God for our use. Although, I must note this reference does also include all the seeds bearing poisonous plants too, such as hemlock, datura, belladonna, etc., Quite how God imagines we might use those I don’t know, but anyway not the point, please remember how fickle God can be.

Then God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree which has fruit yielding seed; it shall be food for you.”
Genesis 1:29

Cannabis plant in the bible: Genesis 1:29

God says in the bible that cannabis usage is ok.

For example, look at our Lord and saviour, Jesus, obviously a hippy stoner swooning around the Sea of Galilee with long hair a beard and wearing sandals and surfing, without even a board! He preaches peace and love, offers alternative hands on healing free of Big Pharma and then gets hassled by the men in government.

“Anyone who blasphemes or curses shall be stoned” –  Leviticus 24:16.

It says in the Bible people must get “stoned” for dissing God, let’s interpret this as “get high on cannabis” rather than “be cruelly executed by an angry mob throwing rocks”. Because being Christians means we can interpret the holy book however we fucking want. I interpret ‘shall be stoned’ as getting high, so fuck God, the Holy Ghost and Jesus, I’m going to spark up a big fat doobie now.

The original sacrament was probably not just wine, quite likely a whole host of psychotropic substances, hence the incredulous nature of some of the biblical myths. It is documented that Jesus healed using cannabis. If someone today said similar stuff as found written in the Bible whilst tripping on LSD and you were stupid enough to write it down and follow as a religion, it might get somewhat confusing.

For example “And then the yellow lampshade melted into a spider and spoke thus. You must cover yourself in green face paint and stare into the corner of the room mumbling for the entire next day”. Advice to the blind, you might as well try LSD because it it will make you see cool stuff and you will know damn well it was the acid. If you are deaf even if you do see weird stuff then at least you won’t have to listen to some other tripper saying stuff that does your fucking head in and sends you on a bad trip.

Cannabis was readily available in the in the Middle East during biblical times. The first historical usage appears in Vedic culture 7,000 years ago and is still used in India to this day by Sadhus who smoke it in chillums. Ancient Judaism has a historical sacramental use, as cannabis plants were found in the funeral possessions inside King Solomon’s tomb.

Rastafarianism an offshoot of Ethiopian Coptic Christianity also uses “Ganja” as a ceremonial herb. Nowhere in the bible does it forbid anyone for any reason from getting high. So it’s evidently fine, crack on with your cannabis consumption, knowing God has given you full permission to do it. For fuck’s sake it’s one of the few things that you are not going to hell for so you might as well enjoy the herb given to you by God. By the way it also doesn’t say don’t take heroin or crack cocaine in the Bible, so you maybe don’t always trust God (or Steps2Recovery) since he can be a right cunt at times.

Jesus on cannabis.

Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, approves of getting high on weed.

God vs Science

A sermon by the Reverend B. Von Goebbels

Science is always coming up with all kinds of fancy equations to show that they are cleverer than God and make us Christians look like childish and deluded, dimwitted morons, which we are not. There are many mysteries that science cannot explain. God in his eternal wisdom has given unto me this holy equation which can be used to answer any religious or scientific question.

If X does not = Y then Z = faith, so God.

Scientists are easily fooled by the Devil’s tricks like dinosaur bones and the such trying to make us think the earth is 4.5 billion years old to give time for evolution to happen. They also dispute things like the resurrection, but they were not there to measure whether it happened or not. We all know a black hole is really a gateway to hell; obviously dark matter and dark energy are the devil’s work whispered into the ears of naive scientists. Darwin’s theory of evolution has been debunked by religion so many times.

Evolution and God

Evolution vs the bible – God wins every time.

God also made the stars. God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day’s work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. Genesis 1:16

It is heresy to suggest the universe is six billion years old when the bible clearly states the entire creation took only six days or that humans were not created instantaneously from dust and a spare rib, but evolved over millions of years from simpler life forms.

The virgin birth is another area where science makes a mockery of religion. The idea that Mary mother of Jesus, was making up a story about the angel of our Lord impregnating her and that it was really some drunken Roman centurion is preposterous. That would make Joseph look like a complete tool. So it definitely happened just the way Mary said, God’s ghostly penis entered her while the angels looked on blowing trumpets and she gave consent afterwards.

God’s rohypnol is wearing off and Mary is a bit confused ““How can this happen?” Mary asked the angel. “I am a virgin.”

“Not anymore Mary,” the angel told Mary “the Holy Ghost has been all up inside you.” Luke 1:34

The Holy Spirit came in her “Mary and Joseph had promised to get married, but before they started to live together, it became clear that she was going to have a baby. She became pregnant by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  … seems totally legit. Matthew 1:18

An angel tells Mary about the holy virgin conception

An angel visits Mary to tell her that God secretly put a bun in her oven.

Joseph does need a little reassurance, but as Joseph was thinking about this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph, son of David, don’t be afraid to take Mary home as your wife. The baby inside her is from the Holy Spirit.” Matthew 1:20

“Really angel, no shit!” said Joseph.

This is the only time that God personally gets a bit rapey with a human. Joseph what a guy! Not everyone would have believed story of a pregnant virgin wife that God somehow impregnated. Just because science says that we need an X and Y chromosome to create a baby they forgot Z = Faith, so God.

Religion vs Science

Religion will always kick science in the ass and win hands down.

God makes complex things simple and simple things complex for example making a giant great universe then explaining it with a children’s fairy story. Einstein created E=mc2 because he had lost his faith so it was obviously Lucifer who told him this one so mankind could make a nuclear bomb for Armageddon.

10 Commandments: how to avoid eternal damnation in hell.

A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Goebbels

Today we are going to look at the Ten Commandments. These are a set of very special instructions from God sent to Moses approximately 3,600 years ago via the Angel of Jehovah. (Ex 20:1; 31:18; De 5:22; 9:10; Ac 7:38, 53; see also Ga 3:19; Heb 2:2.)

We know these Commandments are real because it was written in a very old book by bronze age tribesmen who had little scientific understanding of the world as we know it today. These Commandments must be obeyed or you will be condemned to eternal damnation and suffering in the fiery pits of hell after you die. This is because the Christian God is all powerful and so loving. He’s a reasonable guy.

1. Thou shalt have no other Gods before me.

The first one is easy, simply don’t “have” other Gods in front of God. Do it behind his back, so he doesn’t find out. Or alternatively, he and other Gods do not exist, so it is easy not to have them before him, after him in front of him or behind him.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the Earth.

The second is a bit more tricky, especially if one is an artist or sculptor. Basically it is saying don’t do art God does not like or he will get you and your children’s children. Jehovah’s mumbo jumbo is the only type that you can indulge in, so don’t be getting all spiritual about any other stuff, because he gets jealous.

Statue of Shiva Natura Lod of Dance

Who ever made this statue is going to hell in a handcart to burn forever, even if it was a poor Indian peasant who knew nothing of the word of our Lord and was just trying to make a couple of extra rupees to feed his family.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord God in vain.

The third is just reiterating that he is a badass God who does not to like to have the piss taken out of him. So just don’t talk bad about the motherfucker and you will be fine.

3rd Commandment: Don't take the Lord's name in vein.

Don’t take the Lord’s name in vein.

4. Remember the sabbath day to keep it holy.

The fourth is about doing fuck all on Sunday, unless you are Jewish, then it’s Friday, so just easy don’t do anything on God’s day off, apart from maybe listen to a bit of “Black Sabbath”.

5. Honour thy father and thy mother.

This fifth one is hard to do if you are a teenager or your parents are abusive or simply morons. Yeah whatever just as long as they let me play Xbox.

Crucify Jesus: are you the fastest?

Gotta smite them all.

6. Thou shalt not kill.

Number six is easy unless you are in a holy war or the armed forces. Yeah let God do the killing he’s good at that shit.

Lot’s wife. Pausing to look back at the spectacle of God destroying entire cities, including her own residence and all her possessions, in a massive conflagration of fire and brimstone.

Lot’s wife gets taken out by God, turning her into a pillar of salt, for looking back.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

The seventh is just don’t bang your mate’s missus or bloke, then again as adults do we need to be told this.

8. Thou shalt not steal.

The eighth is tricky if you work in the banking industry, but easy enough if you are not a selfish thief.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

The ninth is simply don’t grass people up to the old bill, fair play to God on that one, I agree.

10. You shall not covet your neighbour’s house; you shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbour’s.

The tenth and final one is about coveting your neighbour’s stuff. Now this is a bit of a problem if your neighbour has a nice ox, ass or donkey, flash car, big tv, servants, swimming pool or other cool stuff, just don’t want it or even think about wanting these things and you should be fine, yet if you find yourself coveting off, it could mean eternal hell, so be warned!

10th commandment - do not covet your neighbour's  donkey and a Ferrrari

I hope his next door neighbour is a virtuous Christian. No coveting here, there’s nothing to see, move along ….