Religious garments from a Christian perspective

A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Geobells

There has been much speculation in the media recently about the former British Foreign Secretary’s comments relating to Islamic clothing. 

Boris Johnson recently sparked outrage for suggesting Muslim women who wear headscarves resembled “bank robbers” and “letter boxes”.

So I thought I would write a sermon from a Christian perspective as to what is acceptable and not acceptable to wear.

Buckfast Tonic Wine

Buckfast Tonic Wine also known as ‘wreck the hoose juice‘ made in Buckfast Abbey in Devon.

It is the case, on the surface of it, a lot of religious garb may seem strange or even silly to the downright preposterous. To the untrained eye, a monk who wears a robe and shaves a deliberate bald patch on their head might look absolutely absurd. However, this is how God wants them to appear, for example, when they are making their super-strong Buckfast Abbey Tonic Wine in their monastery in Devon, to sell to the tramps and downtrodden in Scotland who appreciate its fine taste and heroin-like buzz.

A virtuous Christian nun must cover her body and hair to prevent men from having naughty thoughts of a sexual nature enter their heads and of course everyone should wear a symbolic depiction of a Roman crucifix that was used to torture people with a slow and agonising death.

These dress codes are put in place for our own good. They are part of our cultural and religious heritage and must be respected. It is not for us to question God on what we wear.

But what about those who follow a different religion? Since obviously, there is only one true religion, which is Christianity. We know all heretics and followers of other religions will surely be sent to burn in hell forever by the same loving Abrahamic God some of them also worship.

Those who wear a hijab, niqab, or burqa, of course, look ridiculous, as you might expect from a religion that has crazy stuff in it like flying horses and claims virgins (and plenteous shade) await those who enter paradise.

Postman Pat as Boris Johnson with a letterbox niqab.

Postman Boris empties the letters from a niqab letterbox.

Other fake religions, such as Hare Krishna, Sikhism, Buddhism, etc., which sometimes require their followers to dress up in daft-looking attire can also expect no mercy from God.

Some Jewish people look a bit strange too, but that’s different, as although strictly speaking they are not true Christians and reject our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, as the Messiah, not to mention getting him killed, they are God’s chosen people, so it’s ok for them to dress up in ludicrous fancy dress.

The bizarre fashion of sagging one’s pants was born of a prison mode for signalling sexual availability, but as long as you are wearing a crucifix or have crucifix underwear then God will still save your soul, since bum sex isn’t prohibited in the bible. 

Chav wearing religious sagging pants.

The chav on the left can expect a place in Kingdom of Heaven whereas the poor sod on the right can expect to go to hell on handcart.

Cannabis and the Bible

In today’s sermon I want to talk about God’s holy seed, but this time not the one he secretly sneaked up Mary’s muff, no I’m talking about Mary Jane, da holy herb, cannabis, weed, pot, ganja.

Cannabis, as it clearly states in the Bible was given by God for our use. Although, I must note this reference does also include all the seeds bearing poisonous plants too, such as hemlock, datura, belladonna, etc., Quite how God imagines we might use those I don’t know, but anyway not the point, please remember how fickle God can be.

Then God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree which has fruit yielding seed; it shall be food for you.”
Genesis 1:29

Cannabis plant in the bible: Genesis 1:29

God says in the bible that cannabis usage is ok.

For example, look at our Lord and saviour, Jesus, obviously a hippy stoner swooning around the Sea of Galilee with long hair a beard and wearing sandals and surfing, without even a board! He preaches peace and love, offers alternative hands on healing free of Big Pharma and then gets hassled by the men in government.

“Anyone who blasphemes or curses shall be stoned” –  Leviticus 24:16.

It says in the Bible people must get “stoned” for dissing God, let’s interpret this as “get high on cannabis” rather than “be cruelly executed by an angry mob throwing rocks”. Because being Christians means we can interpret the holy book however we fucking want. I interpret ‘shall be stoned’ as getting high, so fuck God, the Holy Ghost and Jesus, I’m going to spark up a big fat doobie now.

The original sacrament was probably not just wine, quite likely a whole host of psychotropic substances, hence the incredulous nature of some of the biblical myths. It is documented that Jesus healed using cannabis. If someone today said similar stuff as found written in the Bible whilst tripping on LSD and you were stupid enough to write it down and follow as a religion, it might get somewhat confusing.

For example “And then the yellow lampshade melted into a spider and spoke thus. You must cover yourself in green face paint and stare into the corner of the room mumbling for the entire next day”. Advice to the blind, you might as well try LSD because it it will make you see cool stuff and you will know damn well it was the acid. If you are deaf even if you do see weird stuff then at least you won’t have to listen to some other tripper saying stuff that does your fucking head in and sends you on a bad trip.

Cannabis was readily available in the in the Middle East during biblical times. The first historical usage appears in Vedic culture 7,000 years ago and is still used in India to this day by Sadhus who smoke it in chillums. Ancient Judaism has a historical sacramental use, as cannabis plants were found in the funeral possessions inside King Solomon’s tomb.

Rastafarianism an offshoot of Ethiopian Coptic Christianity also uses “Ganja” as a ceremonial herb. Nowhere in the bible does it forbid anyone for any reason from getting high. So it’s evidently fine, crack on with your cannabis consumption, knowing God has given you full permission to do it. For fuck’s sake it’s one of the few things that you are not going to hell for so you might as well enjoy the herb given to you by God. By the way it also doesn’t say don’t take heroin or crack cocaine in the Bible, so you maybe don’t always trust God (or Steps2Recovery) since he can be a right cunt at times.

Jesus on cannabis.

Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, approves of getting high on weed.

The Miracles of Jesus Explained: Part 1

In today’s sermon we figure out some of Jesus’s most famous miracles starting with the feeding of the 5000.

Jesus told everyone, “They do not need to go away. You give them all something to eat.”

“We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children. Matthew 14:16-21.

The largest freshwater fish can weigh up to 264 Kg with two of those it would give over 10 grams of fish per person. I assume it was a freshwater fish because if they had caught an ocean going whale shark weighing in at over 41 metric tonnes then there would have been way too much fish (over 10 Kg per person). I personally could not eat 10 Kg of fish without puking.

The five loaves of bread were admittedly quite large too, I reckon a kilo would easily be enough to make tens of thousands of croutons. What I am proposing is that Jesus our lord made a thick Beluga Sturgeon soup with bread croutons to give it that crunchy texture, easily done. There were even a few little crumbs of bread croutons left over.

Jesus feeding the five thousand

Jesus feeds 5,000 with fish soup and croutons.

Next we come to the miracle of walking on water undoubtedly one of our Lord Jesus’ best pranks ever.

Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. Matthew 14:25.

I bet Jesus wet himself when he saw their faces genuinely shitting bricks.

Jesus as we know had a love of sandals; for this one he had a special pair made out of balsa wood, like really big ones. He was out mucking about on the lake and Peter falls for it and tries it himself. ”Very fucking funny” chokes Peter as he coughs up lake water nearly drowning.

“Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” Matthew 14:31

“Okay you pulled a prank no need to be such a fucking prick about it,” said Peter.

I think the moral of the story is if you want your mates to think you are the son of God scare them half to death and then nearly drown one of them and they will totally believe you.

Jesus could walk on water

Walking on water

Then those who were in the boat worshipped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God ” Matthew 14:32.

The disciples needed some convincing Jesus was indeed the Son of God and I’m afraid it took nearly drowning Peter in order to convince them, because Jesus behaves in the way of his father God, who can be a bit of a cunt at times.  In fact Jesus showed signs of being a bit nicer than his dad who would probably have let Peter drown to teach the others in the boat to love him and have faith.

God vs Science

A sermon by the Reverend B. Von Goebbels

Science is always coming up with all kinds of fancy equations to show that they are cleverer than God and make us Christians look like childish and deluded, dimwitted morons, which we are not. There are many mysteries that science cannot explain. God in his eternal wisdom has given unto me this holy equation which can be used to answer any religious or scientific question.

If X does not = Y then Z = faith, so God.

Scientists are easily fooled by the Devil’s tricks like dinosaur bones and the such trying to make us think the earth is 4.5 billion years old to give time for evolution to happen. They also dispute things like the resurrection, but they were not there to measure whether it happened or not. We all know a black hole is really a gateway to hell; obviously dark matter and dark energy are the devil’s work whispered into the ears of naive scientists. Darwin’s theory of evolution has been debunked by religion so many times.

Evolution and God

Evolution vs the bible – God wins every time.

God also made the stars. God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day’s work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. Genesis 1:16

It is heresy to suggest the universe is six billion years old when the bible clearly states the entire creation took only six days or that humans were not created instantaneously from dust and a spare rib, but evolved over millions of years from simpler life forms.

The virgin birth is another area where science makes a mockery of religion. The idea that Mary mother of Jesus, was making up a story about the angel of our Lord impregnating her and that it was really some drunken Roman centurion is preposterous. That would make Joseph look like a complete tool. So it definitely happened just the way Mary said, God’s ghostly penis entered her while the angels looked on blowing trumpets and she gave consent afterwards.

God’s rohypnol is wearing off and Mary is a bit confused ““How can this happen?” Mary asked the angel. “I am a virgin.”

“Not anymore Mary,” the angel told Mary “the Holy Ghost has been all up inside you.” Luke 1:34

The Holy Spirit came in her “Mary and Joseph had promised to get married, but before they started to live together, it became clear that she was going to have a baby. She became pregnant by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  … seems totally legit. Matthew 1:18

An angel tells Mary about the holy virgin conception

An angel visits Mary to tell her that God secretly put a bun in her oven.

Joseph does need a little reassurance, but as Joseph was thinking about this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph, son of David, don’t be afraid to take Mary home as your wife. The baby inside her is from the Holy Spirit.” Matthew 1:20

“Really angel, no shit!” said Joseph.

This is the only time that God personally gets a bit rapey with a human. Joseph what a guy! Not everyone would have believed story of a pregnant virgin wife that God somehow impregnated. Just because science says that we need an X and Y chromosome to create a baby they forgot Z = Faith, so God.

Religion vs Science

Religion will always kick science in the ass and win hands down.

God makes complex things simple and simple things complex for example making a giant great universe then explaining it with a children’s fairy story. Einstein created E=mc2 because he had lost his faith so it was obviously Lucifer who told him this one so mankind could make a nuclear bomb for Armageddon.

Adam and original sin

A sermon by the Reverend B. von Geobells

I have just had the most amazing revelation from God. He has revealed his inner thoughts to me through the teaching of the bible. It has come to my attention that the original sin with which we all suffer and Jesus was sent to save us from is all because of Adam.

Even Lucifer is just dishing out the punishments, it’s not his fault we are all sinners. This is Adam’s cock up here. There was one simple rule “don’t eat of the tree of wisdom” (apple tree) and he had to fuck it up. Not saying that Eve wasn’t a bitch for tempting him, but it was his fuck up. Maybe even Lucifer, as a talking snake was merely seeing if God would dish out some wacky punishment on someone else as well.

Adam & Eve cockney rhyming slang.

Would you Adam and Eve it?

Because God loves us all he also sent his only son to be tortured to death on Earth, because this makes it all better. It’s like God is a judge in a court with a criminal before him and when the sentence of execution is read out he says “No don’t execute the guilty man, kill my innocent son instead so I can show you all how fair and loving I am”. A bit unfair on Abraham again that God is allowed to kill his son, but Abraham not. Stinks of double standards but that’s God.

God did actually say, ‘You must not eat the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden. Do not even touch it. If you do, you will die.” . This turned out to be a bit of an exaggeration, since they both ate a bit of apple and did not die. Adam genuinely shits himself “Lord God called out to the man. Where are you?” he asked. “I heard you in the garden,” the man answered. “I was afraid, because I was naked. So I hid.”  : Genesis 3:9.

So it is Adam that we should hate for condemning us to original sin and not Lucifer, since he was already in the shit with God for not serving. It’s that bellend Adam’s fault the world was flooded and then poor old Jesus had to come back to be tortured to death in order to save us. Even If you are an Aborigine in the middle of the outback who has not even heard the word of God you go to hell by default, because of Adam’s sin. What a cunt!

 

The erection of Christ our saviour.

A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Goebbels

First of all God made it all cushy, he had a load of angel pals to hang out with and everything was perfect. Then his favourite, Lucifer, wouldn’t do the washing up and make him a cup of tea, so God kicks him out of heaven, turns him into a red horned devil with a tail, creates his own set of demonic friends and creates hell for them to live in to devote all of eternity to tempt mankind, which had not yet been created.

Creation

God’s plot is pretty twisted. He made Adam whose right hand just wasn’t doing it for him, so he took a rib to make Eve, but that old Lucifer hasn’t gone away and comes back in the form of a talking snake. He tells Eve to give Adam an apple from a tree that God said they shouldn’t have for reasons unknown, and then just because of that they are thrown out of Eden, you keeping up, it really does make perfect sense.

OK God is a little bit irrational, temperamental and has a series of bizarre punishments for people who don’t do what they are told, which is why he created man in his own image and gave him free will. Still makes sense right.

God shows his love to Abraham by telling him to ritually sacrifice his son, only to do a Jeremy Beadle on him at the last minute, as Abraham was about to kill his son Isaac with a knife on Mount Moria, God steps in and says “only joking, but thanks anyway for being up for killing your son, however you only have to sacrifice a sheep instead, because I’m so loving.”

A little bit of a mean prank to pull, but you’ve gotta have faith.

God and Abraham.

God tells Abraham to kill his son Isaac and then changes his mind at the last minute and asks him to kill a sheep instead.

Next we move to the story of Noah

Our all knowing and loving God must have been having a bad day and decides to kill everything on the planet with a flood, apart from Noah who lived to be 950 years old (almost as old as Dr Who) and two of everything on the planet, excluding birds and sea creatures, who for some reason God didn’t have a problem with. He floods the Earth for 40 days and 40 nights, killing almost everything apart from Noah, who he tipped off, enabling him to build a huge beastiality boat containing two of each species of land animal, including Australian marsupials, 350,000 species of beetles, tigers, llamas, cats, dogs, snakes, mice, giraffes, zebras, lions, flightless birds such as penguins, etc., were all saved and fed for ten months, providing adequate sanitary for all the species, as there must have been a lot of poop on that boat. The Earth was saved apart from all the hereditary genetic conditions that resulted from all the inbreeding and incest. He also invented rainbows, because he was a bit sorry about what he’d done. The rainbow is a sign provided by God to attest to the covenant between God and Noah (and hence all of humanity) that God will never again destroy the world by way of a flood.

The rainbow is aimed away from the earth to show God’s mercy and to show us he’s not a complete psychopath. It appears today to remind humanity of their failure to keep the obligations that Noah entered into on behalf of all mankind. The seven colours of the rainbow represent the seven Laws given to Noah as his part of the Covenant.

Noah's arc

Noah saves humanity and all land animals by building a big boat after God decides to drown all land living creatures on the planet.

It is not quite clear how all the animals that God killed in his flood had been sinning, but God works in mysterious ways, we’re sure he must have had a good reason.

Finally, we finish this sermon where we started, with Jesus our Lord himself.

Mary gets up the duff and finds this total muggins called Joseph who believed her story that an angel came to see her and God impregnated her with his son, who they called Jesus. He sent Jesus to die for our sins, as he obviously wasn’t satisfied enough with flooding the world. He has magic powers, although nothing much remarkable happens until he’s in his early 30s when he starts doing a few Paul Daniels tricks. They killed him using a barbaric torture device, the cross, what a nice symbol to remind us of the love of God. He obviously must have done something, I find it hard to believe that Jesus our saviour hadn’t done something to upset God or why did he do his usual trick of dishing out a cruel and unusual punishment.

Jesus’ last words were “God, you’re the worst Dad ever.”

If this Jesus does arise again, maybe with the help of some viagra, I think he should be killed in exactly the same way, because he obviously gets off on it. This time jab him up the bum with a spear, rather than putting it in the side.

Christ on a cross.

Nailed it: Jesus died for YOUR sins.

Let us pray

Christ hasn’t come back yet, because he can’t get an erection.
The Christians find the crucified tortured image of Christ in his nappy sexually arousing, all submissive, bound and ready for action. The image of torture makes them think of love, how sweet.

Judas Stole My Lunch Box

A prayer by the Reverend Batty von Geobbels

Judas stole my lunch box
Jesus stole my sandal designs
John the Baptist drowned my daughter
The Messiah wilted my fruit tree
Jesus made the person I had struck blind see again
Dog live, evil God
Christ has cum
Up my bum
Jesus had balsa wood sandals
Jesus made fish soup with croutons
Jesus advocated alcoholics, by fermenting water into wine
Jesus thought his own people the Jews were a bit tight-fisted and money grabbing
And Jesus had it off with dirty whores!

Dinosaur lunchbox, the Earth is only 6,000 years old.

Satan tampered with dinosaur bones in the Earth to try to fool us that it is 4.5 billion years old and not 6,000 years old.

The voices of God in your head.

A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Goebbels

So to believe in our Lord you must first hear the voices in your head. At least three, the son, the father and the holy ghost, but probably also the voice of Satan trying to get you to do bad stuff. There are also hosts of angels and hordes of demons so it could get quite crowded in your head.

To ascertain exactly whom it is communicating with you, it must be determined what they are saying. For example if you hear “go wank yourself off then kill your granny” it is safe to assume it is probably the devil or demons so ignore stuff like that, but it could be a test like with Abraham and Isaac, so you could try to kill your granny and then just kill your cat or dog instead.

God and Jesus say things more like “Stop wanking off it’s wrong, just love me”.  The god Jehovah can be pretty jealous, he will let you knock about with his son, but that’s about it so be careful not to love stuff more than him. If you go on holiday don’t be bringing back any little statues of other Gods, because you know what it says about false idols in the Ten Commandments. To develop a relationship with Jesus you must let him inside you like a very special friend. Let him touch you in an intimate way, you can share your secrets with him because he is the only one.

Masterbation prevention kit

If you really want to please Jesus then you might want to get one of these.

If you have the urge to touch yourself in a naughty way, you must immediately think of Jesus so that you at least have him inside you while you self-abuse.

If you do hear voices in your head telling you to kill your loved ones, don’t assume that it’s a test and you must kill a ram instead. Take your kids up to the top of a local hill or mountain to ritually sacrifice them for God, don’t worry, he’ll let you know right at the last minute that it’s a test to show your loyalty to him, since he is all loving, all knowing and all powerful, therefore needs a bit of a confidence boost every now and then.

If you do proceed with the ritual sacrifice of your child, bear in mind, it might not have been God, it might have been Satan, so please be absolutely sure before you get the knife out and slit your offspring’s throat.

Medieval demons

Don’t listen to the demons in your head, only the word of Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost or God or angels, but not demons.

Jesus who speaks the word of God channelling the Holy Ghost touches millions of people every day.

Another possibility for those of you who hear voices in their head telling you to do stuff is you are mentally ill, in which case you should seek urgent medical attention. There are some excellent pharmaceutical drugs that doctors can prescribe which will make the voices go away. In extreme cases, you might have to be sectioned.

One of my followers was recently admitted to Kidderminster Hospital psychiatric ward for knocking on strangers’ doors and telling them about his invisible friend that wants to save them.