Religious garments from a Christian perspective

A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Geobells

There has been much speculation in the media recently about the former British Foreign Secretary’s comments relating to Islamic clothing. 

Boris Johnson recently sparked outrage for suggesting Muslim women who wear headscarves resembled “bank robbers” and “letter boxes”.

So I thought I would write a sermon from a Christian perspective as to what is acceptable and not acceptable to wear.

Buckfast Tonic Wine

Buckfast Tonic Wine also known as ‘wreck the hoose juice‘ made in Buckfast Abbey in Devon.

It is the case, on the surface of it, a lot of religious garb may seem strange or even silly to the downright preposterous. To the untrained eye, a monk who wears a robe and shaves a deliberate bald patch on their head might look absolutely absurd. However, this is how God wants them to appear, for example, when they are making their super-strong Buckfast Abbey Tonic Wine in their monastery in Devon, to sell to the tramps and downtrodden in Scotland who appreciate its fine taste and heroin-like buzz.

A virtuous Christian nun must cover her body and hair to prevent men from having naughty thoughts of a sexual nature enter their heads and of course everyone should wear a symbolic depiction of a Roman crucifix that was used to torture people with a slow and agonising death.

These dress codes are put in place for our own good. They are part of our cultural and religious heritage and must be respected. It is not for us to question God on what we wear.

But what about those who follow a different religion? Since obviously, there is only one true religion, which is Christianity. We know all heretics and followers of other religions will surely be sent to burn in hell forever by the same loving Abrahamic God some of them also worship.

Those who wear a hijab, niqab, or burqa, of course, look ridiculous, as you might expect from a religion that has crazy stuff in it like flying horses and claims virgins (and plenteous shade) await those who enter paradise.

Postman Pat as Boris Johnson with a letterbox niqab.

Postman Boris empties the letters from a niqab letterbox.

Other fake religions, such as Hare Krishna, Sikhism, Buddhism, etc., which sometimes require their followers to dress up in daft-looking attire can also expect no mercy from God.

Some Jewish people look a bit strange too, but that’s different, as although strictly speaking they are not true Christians and reject our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, as the Messiah, not to mention getting him killed, they are God’s chosen people, so it’s ok for them to dress up in ludicrous fancy dress.

The bizarre fashion of sagging one’s pants was born of a prison mode for signalling sexual availability, but as long as you are wearing a crucifix or have crucifix underwear then God will still save your soul, since bum sex isn’t prohibited in the bible. 

Chav wearing religious sagging pants.

The chav on the left can expect a place in Kingdom of Heaven whereas the poor sod on the right can expect to go to hell on handcart.

God vs Science

A sermon by the Reverend B. Von Goebbels

Science is always coming up with all kinds of fancy equations to show that they are cleverer than God and make us Christians look like childish and deluded, dimwitted morons, which we are not. There are many mysteries that science cannot explain. God in his eternal wisdom has given unto me this holy equation which can be used to answer any religious or scientific question.

If X does not = Y then Z = faith, so God.

Scientists are easily fooled by the Devil’s tricks like dinosaur bones and the such trying to make us think the earth is 4.5 billion years old to give time for evolution to happen. They also dispute things like the resurrection, but they were not there to measure whether it happened or not. We all know a black hole is really a gateway to hell; obviously dark matter and dark energy are the devil’s work whispered into the ears of naive scientists. Darwin’s theory of evolution has been debunked by religion so many times.

Evolution and God

Evolution vs the bible – God wins every time.

God also made the stars. God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day’s work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. Genesis 1:16

It is heresy to suggest the universe is six billion years old when the bible clearly states the entire creation took only six days or that humans were not created instantaneously from dust and a spare rib, but evolved over millions of years from simpler life forms.

The virgin birth is another area where science makes a mockery of religion. The idea that Mary mother of Jesus, was making up a story about the angel of our Lord impregnating her and that it was really some drunken Roman centurion is preposterous. That would make Joseph look like a complete tool. So it definitely happened just the way Mary said, God’s ghostly penis entered her while the angels looked on blowing trumpets and she gave consent afterwards.

God’s rohypnol is wearing off and Mary is a bit confused ““How can this happen?” Mary asked the angel. “I am a virgin.”

“Not anymore Mary,” the angel told Mary “the Holy Ghost has been all up inside you.” Luke 1:34

The Holy Spirit came in her “Mary and Joseph had promised to get married, but before they started to live together, it became clear that she was going to have a baby. She became pregnant by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  … seems totally legit. Matthew 1:18

An angel tells Mary about the holy virgin conception

An angel visits Mary to tell her that God secretly put a bun in her oven.

Joseph does need a little reassurance, but as Joseph was thinking about this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph, son of David, don’t be afraid to take Mary home as your wife. The baby inside her is from the Holy Spirit.” Matthew 1:20

“Really angel, no shit!” said Joseph.

This is the only time that God personally gets a bit rapey with a human. Joseph what a guy! Not everyone would have believed story of a pregnant virgin wife that God somehow impregnated. Just because science says that we need an X and Y chromosome to create a baby they forgot Z = Faith, so God.

Religion vs Science

Religion will always kick science in the ass and win hands down.

God makes complex things simple and simple things complex for example making a giant great universe then explaining it with a children’s fairy story. Einstein created E=mc2 because he had lost his faith so it was obviously Lucifer who told him this one so mankind could make a nuclear bomb for Armageddon.