Cannabis and the Bible

In today’s sermon I want to talk about God’s holy seed, but this time not the one he secretly sneaked up Mary’s muff, no I’m talking about Mary Jane, da holy herb, cannabis, weed, pot, ganja.

Cannabis, as it clearly states in the Bible was given by God for our use. Although, I must note this reference does also include all the seeds bearing poisonous plants too, such as hemlock, datura, belladonna, etc., Quite how God imagines we might use those I don’t know, but anyway not the point, please remember how fickle God can be.

Then God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree which has fruit yielding seed; it shall be food for you.”
Genesis 1:29

Cannabis plant in the bible: Genesis 1:29

God says in the bible that cannabis usage is ok.

For example, look at our Lord and saviour, Jesus, obviously a hippy stoner swooning around the Sea of Galilee with long hair a beard and wearing sandals and surfing, without even a board! He preaches peace and love, offers alternative hands on healing free of Big Pharma and then gets hassled by the men in government.

“Anyone who blasphemes or curses shall be stoned” –  Leviticus 24:16.

It says in the Bible people must get “stoned” for dissing God, let’s interpret this as “get high on cannabis” rather than “be cruelly executed by an angry mob throwing rocks”. Because being Christians means we can interpret the holy book however we fucking want. I interpret ‘shall be stoned’ as getting high, so fuck God, the Holy Ghost and Jesus, I’m going to spark up a big fat doobie now.

The original sacrament was probably not just wine, quite likely a whole host of psychotropic substances, hence the incredulous nature of some of the biblical myths. It is documented that Jesus healed using cannabis. If someone today said similar stuff as found written in the Bible whilst tripping on LSD and you were stupid enough to write it down and follow as a religion, it might get somewhat confusing.

For example “And then the yellow lampshade melted into a spider and spoke thus. You must cover yourself in green face paint and stare into the corner of the room mumbling for the entire next day”. Advice to the blind, you might as well try LSD because it it will make you see cool stuff and you will know damn well it was the acid. If you are deaf even if you do see weird stuff then at least you won’t have to listen to some other tripper saying stuff that does your fucking head in and sends you on a bad trip.

Cannabis was readily available in the in the Middle East during biblical times. The first historical usage appears in Vedic culture 7,000 years ago and is still used in India to this day by Sadhus who smoke it in chillums. Ancient Judaism has a historical sacramental use, as cannabis plants were found in the funeral possessions inside King Solomon’s tomb.

Rastafarianism an offshoot of Ethiopian Coptic Christianity also uses “Ganja” as a ceremonial herb. Nowhere in the bible does it forbid anyone for any reason from getting high. So it’s evidently fine, crack on with your cannabis consumption, knowing God has given you full permission to do it. For fuck’s sake it’s one of the few things that you are not going to hell for so you might as well enjoy the herb given to you by God. By the way it also doesn’t say don’t take heroin or crack cocaine in the Bible, so you maybe don’t always trust God (or Steps2Recovery) since he can be a right cunt at times.

Jesus on cannabis.

Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, approves of getting high on weed.

God vs Science

A sermon by the Reverend B. Von Goebbels

Science is always coming up with all kinds of fancy equations to show that they are cleverer than God and make us Christians look like childish and deluded, dimwitted morons, which we are not. There are many mysteries that science cannot explain. God in his eternal wisdom has given unto me this holy equation which can be used to answer any religious or scientific question.

If X does not = Y then Z = faith, so God.

Scientists are easily fooled by the Devil’s tricks like dinosaur bones and the such trying to make us think the earth is 4.5 billion years old to give time for evolution to happen. They also dispute things like the resurrection, but they were not there to measure whether it happened or not. We all know a black hole is really a gateway to hell; obviously dark matter and dark energy are the devil’s work whispered into the ears of naive scientists. Darwin’s theory of evolution has been debunked by religion so many times.

Evolution and God

Evolution vs the bible – God wins every time.

God also made the stars. God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day’s work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. Genesis 1:16

It is heresy to suggest the universe is six billion years old when the bible clearly states the entire creation took only six days or that humans were not created instantaneously from dust and a spare rib, but evolved over millions of years from simpler life forms.

The virgin birth is another area where science makes a mockery of religion. The idea that Mary mother of Jesus, was making up a story about the angel of our Lord impregnating her and that it was really some drunken Roman centurion is preposterous. That would make Joseph look like a complete tool. So it definitely happened just the way Mary said, God’s ghostly penis entered her while the angels looked on blowing trumpets and she gave consent afterwards.

God’s rohypnol is wearing off and Mary is a bit confused ““How can this happen?” Mary asked the angel. “I am a virgin.”

“Not anymore Mary,” the angel told Mary “the Holy Ghost has been all up inside you.” Luke 1:34

The Holy Spirit came in her “Mary and Joseph had promised to get married, but before they started to live together, it became clear that she was going to have a baby. She became pregnant by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  … seems totally legit. Matthew 1:18

An angel tells Mary about the holy virgin conception

An angel visits Mary to tell her that God secretly put a bun in her oven.

Joseph does need a little reassurance, but as Joseph was thinking about this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph, son of David, don’t be afraid to take Mary home as your wife. The baby inside her is from the Holy Spirit.” Matthew 1:20

“Really angel, no shit!” said Joseph.

This is the only time that God personally gets a bit rapey with a human. Joseph what a guy! Not everyone would have believed story of a pregnant virgin wife that God somehow impregnated. Just because science says that we need an X and Y chromosome to create a baby they forgot Z = Faith, so God.

Religion vs Science

Religion will always kick science in the ass and win hands down.

God makes complex things simple and simple things complex for example making a giant great universe then explaining it with a children’s fairy story. Einstein created E=mc2 because he had lost his faith so it was obviously Lucifer who told him this one so mankind could make a nuclear bomb for Armageddon.