A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Goebbels
We will discuss the Holy Ghost.
This is the most mystery and suspense filled bit of Christianity. No satisfactory explanation can be given as to what the Holy Ghost really is, but from my other research into ghosts, it is a scary disembodied spirit like a man in a white sheet going whoo whoo! It really puzzles me why all of these modern ghost hunters are not going nuts about the Holy Ghost. Surely their EPV recorders should be going through the roof, because this dude is everywhere.
What has the Holy Ghost got that Jesus and God don’t have? Can he do ghostly stuff like haunt and move objects around. Is the Holy Ghost a poltergeist or a headless horseman? Does the Holy Ghost say anything or is it just scary sounds like groaning and rattling chains? Does he leave a sticky ectoplasm mess on your bed? Is it going to be like in Scooby Doo when you pull the white sheet off the Holy Ghost in the abandoned warehouse and he turns out to be Jehovah or some other rascal pulling a prank?
Who you gonna call, if the Holy Ghost shows up? Holy Ghostbusters? If you have a friend who says he is being haunted by the spirit of the Holy Ghost, do not seek medical attention for him, just in case, as this is the one unforgivable sin, to deny the existence of the Holy Ghost. It’s a big no no, as far as God and Jesus are concerned. You might not believe in ghosts, but this one you have to, because if you so much as ever question his existence, on the grounds of no observable evidence, then it’s an eternity of Satan jabbing you up the bum with a pitchfork and being burned in the company of demonic monsters. Imagine the worst five minutes of your life, but worse, going on for eternity with the demons laughing and mocking you all the time while it happens, simply because you were dumb enough to deny the existence of the Holy Ghost.
Do not confuse the Holy Ghost with other paranormal activity, which is either complete nonsense or the work of the devil, this Holy Ghost stuff is the real shit. You just cannot deny it!
It’s important to know about the Holy Ghost, or the Holy Spirit, as he’s sometimes known as, because it’s impossible to follow God unless we are led by the Spirit. God contrasts being filled with the Spirit with being drunk. Somebody who is drunk with alcohol is controlled by and consumed by alcohol, whereas somebody who is “drunk in the Spirit” is controlled and consumed by the Spirit, who helps us live holy lives. Basically, to be good Christian, you must be possessed by an invisible ghost and if you so much as think for a second that this story might possibly not be 100% true, then it’s off to the sulphurous caverns of Satan for you, with no leave to appeal.