Jesus feeding the five thousand

The Miracles of Jesus Explained: Part 1

In today’s sermon we figure out some of Jesus’s most famous miracles starting with the feeding of the 5000.

Jesus told everyone, “They do not need to go away. You give them all something to eat.”

“We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children. Matthew 14:16-21.

The largest freshwater fish can weigh up to 264 Kg with two of those it would give over 10 grams of fish per person. I assume it was a freshwater fish because if they had caught an ocean going whale shark weighing in at over 41 metric tonnes then there would have been way too much fish (over 10 Kg per person). I personally could not eat 10 Kg of fish without puking.

The five loaves of bread were admittedly quite large too, I reckon a kilo would easily be enough to make tens of thousands of croutons. What I am proposing is that Jesus our lord made a thick Beluga Sturgeon soup with bread croutons to give it that crunchy texture, easily done. There were even a few little crumbs of bread croutons left over.

Jesus feeding the five thousand

Jesus feeds 5,000 with fish soup and croutons.

Next we come to the miracle of walking on water undoubtedly one of our Lord Jesus’ best pranks ever.

Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. Matthew 14:25.

I bet Jesus wet himself when he saw their faces genuinely shitting bricks.

Jesus as we know had a love of sandals; for this one he had a special pair made out of balsa wood, like really big ones. He was out mucking about on the lake and Peter falls for it and tries it himself. ”Very fucking funny” chokes Peter as he coughs up lake water nearly drowning.

“Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” Matthew 14:31

“Okay you pulled a prank no need to be such a fucking prick about it,” said Peter.

I think the moral of the story is if you want your mates to think you are the son of God scare them half to death and then nearly drown one of them and they will totally believe you.

Jesus could walk on water

Walking on water

Then those who were in the boat worshipped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God ” Matthew 14:32.

The disciples needed some convincing Jesus was indeed the Son of God and I’m afraid it took nearly drowning Peter in order to convince them, because Jesus behaves in the way of his father God, who can be a bit of a cunt at times.  In fact Jesus showed signs of being a bit nicer than his dad who would probably have let Peter drown to teach the others in the boat to love him and have faith.

1 reply
  1. Martin Black
    Martin Black says:

    Actually the miracles of the fictional Jesus simply present a typical religious con man of the era. Most of the miracles can be explained by the use of a magician’s assistant. Raising the dead: use an actor who pretends to be dead. Curing a person who cannot walk? Employ an actor who pretends to be disabled, Leprosy: use an actor with make up. Water into wine? My science teacher could do that when I was at school; water can be made red by various powedered chemicals and switched to wine by slight of hand prior to anyone drinking it. All typical of religious con men in an era where almost all professional magicians claimed to have magical powers.


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