A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Goebbels

So to believe in our Lord you must first hear the voices in your head. At least three, the son, the father and the holy ghost, but probably also the voice of Satan trying to get you to do bad stuff. There are also hosts of angels and hordes of demons so it could get quite crowded in your head.

To ascertain exactly whom it is communicating with you, it must be determined what they are saying. For example if you hear “go wank yourself off then kill your granny” it is safe to assume it is probably the devil or demons so ignore stuff like that, but it could be a test like with Abraham and Isaac, so you could try to kill your granny and then just kill your cat or dog instead.

God and Jesus say things more like “Stop wanking off it’s wrong, just love me”.  The god Jehovah can be pretty jealous, he will let you knock about with his son, but that’s about it so be careful not to love stuff more than him. If you go on holiday don’t be bringing back any little statues of other Gods, because you know what it says about false idols in the Ten Commandments. To develop a relationship with Jesus you must let him inside you like a very special friend. Let him touch you in an intimate way, you can share your secrets with him because he is the only one.

If you really want to please Jesus then you might want to get one of these.

If you have the urge to touch yourself in a naughty way, you must immediately think of Jesus so that you at least have him inside you while you self-abuse.

If you do hear voices in your head telling you to kill your loved ones, don’t assume that it’s a test and you must kill a ram instead. Take your kids up to the top of a local hill or mountain to ritually sacrifice them for God, don’t worry, he’ll let you know right at the last minute that it’s a test to show your loyalty to him, since he is all loving, all knowing and all powerful, therefore needs a bit of a confidence boost every now and then.

If you do proceed with the ritual sacrifice of your child, bear in mind, it might not have been God, it might have been Satan, so please be absolutely sure before you get the knife out and slit your offspring’s throat.

Don’t listen to the demons in your head, only the word of Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost or God or angels, but not demons.

Jesus who speaks the word of God channelling the Holy Ghost touches millions of people every day.

Another possibility for those of you who hear voices in their head telling you to do stuff is you are mentally ill, in which case you should seek urgent medical attention. There are some excellent pharmaceutical drugs that doctors can prescribe which will make the voices go away. In extreme cases, you might have to be sectioned.

One of my followers was recently admitted to Kidderminster Hospital psychiatric ward for knocking on strangers’ doors and telling them about his invisible friend that wants to save them.